Akatsuki in Metal Gear Solid 3
by Pepper Gem
Summary: I wrote a quick spiff on Kisame, Hidan and Itachi messing around with boxes, but now the Akatsuki are whisked away into the middle of Russia during the Cold War! Snake: HUH! This will be done chapter-by-chapter, as opposed to my other stories. READ PL0X!
1. Virtuous Mission: Uhh?

**AKATSUKI MGS3 FULL**

All the Akatsuki stood near the middle of the dark, damp cave, a few of them adjusting their cloaks, the rest glaring at each other in silence as they waited for further orders. Pein took a few steps forth until he was at their center; his hands fell to his sides, his eyes sharply met the gazes of his onlookers as he spoke:

"Now, Akatsuki, your next mission is to--"

"HOOOLLD ON a second," a rather loud voice echoed throughout the cave and startled them.

"Jashin?!" Hidan exclaimed and fell to his knees in prayer.

"Get up. He doesn't exist," Kakuzu kicked his partner in the ribs.

"Ow! That hurt, dangit!"

Tobi pointed to where he thought the voice was coming from. "I didn't know a speaker system was hooked up in this cave!"

Pein looked in that direction as well, up and to his right: "Reveal yourself."

"It is I, Masashi Kishimoto, here with a good friend of mine!"

The Akatsuki gasped. It was the voice of their creator!

"It's a pleasure to meet you all," the other overhead voice spoke, but this time, it appeared to come from the roof of the cave above them and to their left. "My name is Hideo Kojima."

"I demand to know where you are, how it is you're speaking to us, and what your purpose is," Pein looked all around, as the voice was now completely surrounding them.

"We're interrupting your show to bring you a special message!" Hideo said with an unusually happy tone.

Together, he and Masashi shouted, "TIME PARADOX!!!"

"HUH?!" the Akatsuki shouted as their world flashed white and morphed before them into what looked like a military base.

* * *

"Jack, your mission is to rescue Sokolov from that base," the voice of Major Tom resonated from the earpiece Jack was wearing. "Sneak around and get him out of there with as little trouble as possible. Aside from your main mission, your other is to have minimal encounters with security."

"Gotcha," he replied with confidence. "This sounds like a fast mission. I won't let you down."

"By the way, we need code names. I'll be Major Zero. You can be…Frog."

"Frog?! How about…" Jack scanned the nearby forest he was dropped in for any ideas. There, directly in his line of site, was a bright green plush frog.

_That's exactly what I didn't want to see! _Snake thought.

Snake shot the frog, but it hopped and remained in place; also, it started chirping joyfully.

_Dang, that thing is annoying! _

Snake forgot about the frog and continued to scan the area until he came across another animal.

"Snake?" he asked the Major.

"Fine, ok, fine, ok, alright, ok, sure, whatever, ok, Snake. Oh, and can you tell Sokolov something for me?"

"Sure?"

"Tell him I said 'owned'."

The Major hung up.

Snake, though completely alone in the Russian jungle with no one around, made a confused face and shook his head. "The Major and his chatspeak," he mumbled.

* * *

Snake was ever-enthusiastic to begin his mission. He grabbed his little backpack and began to run through the trees and wild grasses with his map for a guide, careful not to step on any venomous animals, make a wrong turn or crash into a camouflaged guard. Prepared for the worst, Snake looked inside of his backpack for the kinds of camouflage he was supplied with – to find but one more outfit and a tiny supply of face paint.

"You've gotta be kidding me! It's got ducks on it! Well, it's better than frogs!"

Snake's expression faded to that of a bored and disgusted one: "Why can I picture the Major saying 'pwned' right about now?"

He decided the leaf camouflage he was wearing was good enough, and it was as effective as ever when it came to sneaking past the few guards he did see.

When at last Snake arrived at Sokolov's heavily-guarded holding facility, Rassvet, he effortlessly snuck around the posted sentries into the room in which he was being held. With as little noise as possible he opened the door and snuck in, not considering the fact that Sokolov couldn't hear him, either.

"Hello, you must be Sokolov," Snake's deep voice shattered the silence. Somehow, when he spoke in this room loud enough for the entire facility to hear, the other guards were not alerted.

"AAHHHH!!!" Sokolov shoved all the papers he was burning into the fireplace at once, again provoking the concern in the above statement. With his clearly-British accent, he shouted, "You'll never get it from ME, noob!"

"Noob?" Snake's expression, once again, faded to the utmost of disgusted expressions.

"Do you not know what it means?" Sokolov arose and immediately took the splendid opportunity to teach someone chatspeak – even if the victim was of the GRU faction out to get him.

"Oh, I know what it means alright," Snake sighed.

"How…? Aren't you one of Volgin's men? They are completely helpless with the 1337 things of this world."

"No, I'm a CIA agent," Snake said with a confident smirk, "and I'm here to rescue you. I work under Major Tom...erm, Major Zero, the man who got you out two years ago. While training, my mentor showed me CQC to train me physically, but the Major taught me chatspeak to 'train me mentally'..." Snake muttered under his breath, "I'll never be that mental..."

"The Major?!" Sokolov steadily walked closer to Snake, intrigued by this connection. "We go so far back…"

"He has a message for you, as well."

"Oh?"

"He wanted to say… 'Owned'."

"Haha!! Did he, now?" Sokolov paced around the room with his hands folded behind his back, looking at the ceiling while recalling lost memories with a smile.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Snake asked, bewildered by the blunt use of the word.

"It means he fails at life. But we've got no time for this. You have to get me out of here before they arrive." Sokolov's eyebrows slanted worriedly and he shuddered a bit.

"Who's 'they'?"

"Colonel Volgin of GRU. You in the west know him as Kisame."

"Kisame..." Snake, intrigued, looked Sokolov in the eye and requested that he tell him more. "I've never heard of him."

After he was done explaining that Volgin was a part of a group that aimed for the overthrow of Kruschev in Russia, Sokolov, unexpectedly, turned to face Snake in one step with a determined look. "Before we go, tell Zero I said…"

Snake took one step forward. "What? What do you want me to tell him?"

"Tell him I said 'Your mom'."

Snake raised an eyebrow at Sokolov's fiery laughter that followed. "Uh…Yeah, anyway, follow me. We're getting out of here."

"Kk!"

Sokolov scurried after Snake's confident footing out of Rassvet to a small bridge that crossed a canyon nearby, all the while spinning around in all directions to make sure no one was following him and locking his mind into defense-mode.

"Keep your eye out here," Snake told Sokolov once they reached the bridge. "There were guards here when I crossed over."

"Don't worry, this game is too easy and the guards are too stupid to guess that we might cross back over to escape because the Rassvet gate is locked shut," Sokolov reassured him, in the meantime telling him that his guard couldn't be any higher.

When they were a small ways onto the bridge, a flurry of rain started to fall around them, completely blinding their views.

"Sokolov!!" Snake shouted out, for he could no longer see him. "WHERE ARE YOU!?"

"AHHH!" he cried with a voice that was fading high into the air, "You haxor, let me down!"

"No!" the voice of his 'floating' captor declared.

The rain suddenly cleared, leaving Snake all alone on his half of the bridge, and a strange caped figure with a mask on the other.

"Who-" Snake took some cautious steps forward, and the other man did the same, until they met at the middle of the bridge.

"BOSS?!" Snake prepared his stance. "But I thought…weren't you last…a woman?"

"Nice to see you too, Jack," the man slid his orange mask to the side just enough to reveal the right side of his face and the right side of an all-too-happy smile.

"What are you doing here?!"

"I'm defecting," he said, "Whatever that means." He dropped the two metal cases he was carrying at his feet. "Whew, these are heavy!!"

"It means," said the deep voice of a blue man walking up behind him, "That you're coming to the dark side, Tobi."

The man crossed his arms in front of him, bullets held at the base of each finger; and grinning to show his dangerously sharp teeth, he moved his arms upward and produced an electric current that flowed effortlessly through his rain-soaked trench coat. "_Lightning style: Show-off-y Electric Wave_!"

Snake thought, _A fish-man drawing forth a strange power?_

"I don't want to go to the dark side! Tobi is a Good Boss, 'Volgin'!" Tobi pointed a white-gloved finger into the air, which matched the white and silver battle suit he was wearing.

Kisame sighed and ran his fingers through his jagged blue hair. "Prove it, 'Boss'."

"Um, uh, umm…" 'The Boss' looked around and discovered the cases he had just dropped to his feet. "Here, have these! One contains two deadly nuclear bombs, and the other contains a _launcher_ for the two deadly nuclear bombs!"

Snake gasped in as shocked a manner as he possible could. So, he ran up to Tobi and tried to steal the cases, but Tobi stopped him by reaching down for his hands to give Kisame some time.

"Uh, Boss?!" Snake looked Tobi in the eye as his hands were held.

"Hey, Jack, do you like to swim!?" Tobi asked, swinging Snake's arms back and forth excitedly, accidentally twisting Snake's arm around and bending his elbow in the other direction.

"AGGGHH!" Snake yelled out.

"Let's jump into the river and go for a swim!" Tobi, oblivious to Snake's pain, threw him over the bridge and attempted to join him.

Kisame stopped Tobi just in time. Snake, however, was left falling five hundred feet to his doom.

"AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh…" his scream faded.

Tobi was placed back onto the bridge and it started to rain; the rain, red, began to stain Tobi's white outfit.

"'The Sorrow', is that you? AH, you're scary! Stop making it rain blood! Go away! I'm 'The Joy'!! I don't like blood!" Tobi flapped his arms in the air and sheltered his head with his black cape as he fell to a sitting position.

The blood finally stopped raining. Tobi looked everywhere around him to make sure the blood was gone.

"Hey, Volgin, why didn't you let me go swimming?!"

"Because," Kisame pointed to the helicopter hovering above, "You would've hurt yourself, and the 'Cobras' are waiting for you. You've already done enough with Snake. Let's go."

'The Fear' descended from the helicopter upside-down on a rope and hauled Tobi, Kisame, and the two cases of weapons up into it. In the helicopter waiting for them sat Sokolov, the three others of the Cobras and a major who worked under Volgin.

"Snake? Snake?! Joo OK?!" the Major screamed into Snake's earpiece as he lay nearly unconscious on the shore downstream from the bridge where he had fallen. The fall was dangerously high and the gushing waters slammed him against virtually every boulder in the river.

"Ehhh…Ohh, oww…" Snake mumbled.

"You don't have to answer," Para-Medic came onto his earpiece, "I know you can hear me. Listen. You have to heal yourself. I'll send a recovery balloon right away."

"You're such…a big help…" Snake mustered the strength to reply.

* * *


	2. Commencing Operation: Snake Owner

_-CONTINUED-_

"Anytime," Para-Medic replied, twirling her pink hair around her fingers happily, thinking that Snake went through all that pain to compliment her.

While the whole crew sat in the helicopter – The Cobras, the Boss, Volgin, his recently acquired female companion, the major that worked under him and Sokolov – Volgin decided he'd take the nuclear bombs out for a spin.

"This toy looks marvelously fun…" Kisame sneered and laughed darkly.

"I know, doesn't it!?" Tobi cheered. "You should test it out! It looks like it would make a huge BOOM!!"

The other Cobras joined Kisame with a few amused chuckles.

"Are you all insane?!" the GRU major, who had been flirting with Volgin's gorgeous companion, arose and confronted him. "That thing will pollute the entire area within several miles' radius – and you wouldn't dare nuke your fellow Russians?!"

"It doesn't matter! It's gonna kill! It's going to blow their heads off! Let's see how good a boss Tobi really is!"

The look in Kisame's eye was so intense and set on the joy of the destruction; it was as if he was watching it happen before it even took place. "On your marks…"

He took a bomb out of its case and loaded it onto the launcher.

"Get set…"

He aimed it toward Rassvet.

"Don't do it, Volgin!!" the Major placed his hands on him in an effort to pull him away, but it was no use.

"FIRE!"

The massive nuclear explosion sent shockwaves miles beyond Rassvet. Snake, resting his wounded body on the shore, had to shelter himself behind a tree to keep debris from injuring him further.

"What was that?!" Snake thought aloud.

"I don't know!" Para-Medic suddenly came onto his earpiece.

"You're eavesdropping on me?!"

"No!--"

"For Jashin's sake, Sakur-I-mean-Para-Medic, let Snake relax." Zero's voice dominated Para-Medic's on the earpiece now. "We're coming to get you, Snake. Hold on."

* * *

COMMENCING OPERATION SNAKE 0WN3R!


End file.
